I constantly whine about all these men I date and how they snore or fart or don’t like camping or are short and the list goes on. I am not perfect, I have tragic features and terrible traits too and I am going to share them. I am hoping that by sharing them I get some good karma and a perfectly chiselled man will fall naked into my lap.
1. I am so overbearing! It frustrates me sometimes.
2. I hate people. Stupid people with stupid things to say. In saying that I say some of the dumbest things you could ever imagine. I give meaning to ‘blonde’ most of the time.
3. I have OCD when it comes to cleanliness, I am a freak about cleaning and I expect everyone to be like me when it comes to cleaning and things being in their place.
4. I over analyse and have sever anxiety. I can’t get an email or text and just read it and take what is important from it. I will read it, analyse it and put a spin on it, creating context that wasn’t even there.
5. I am theatrical and dramatic. I love when the spotlight is on me and all eyes, I shine under the light and I love attention.
6. I don’t like not getting my way. If I want to do something and someone says no I will sulk until I get my own way. I am the youngest in my family so for 27 years I have been practising my sulk face and even though everyone knows I am pulling it, they still give in. It’s fantastic. Not so much for then men that date me. I think they just want to punch the quivering lip.
7. I like being right. Who doesn’t? I will argue my point trying to win over votes but I will admit if I am wrong.
8. I change my mind more than I change my hairstyle and my god that’s often. One day I will like the colour blue, then the next pink. If I am lucky an hour later I might like yellow. It’s like the men in my life. If I am not kept on my toes, I change my mind about how I feel.
9. I am a Perfectionist. I am a Virgo and I live up to the meaning of my sign. I am the person who walks into a house and when no one is looking I straighten up the picture frames on the wall. Sometimes I don’t care if people are looking.
10. I can’t sit still. I am not one to relax. I am always moving about, doing something and being a pest, let’s do this, let’s do that, let’s go here, let’s go there.
1. I have the biggest boobs, it’s a genetic thing not a weight thing and even if I was anorexic they would just be there.
2. My teeth make me so uncomfortable. I used to have a big gap between my front teeth which has now closed and I am just left with two prominent front teeth. I can’t whiten them because then I look like roger rabbit.
3. Freckles…I have had them since I was a kid. As I get older they group together, which isn’t too bad because they make me look super tanned in summer. When freckles appear on my nose I look like pippy long stockings.
4. I bite my nails, I practically have stumps, and even the beautician finds it hard to paint them.
5. Bruises and Scars. I am the most accident prone person. I bruise easily so I am constantly discovering new ones, like the little purple one on my ass cheek that I found this morning that kind of looks like a hickey (it’s not) and when I was a kid I was forever falling off my skates and bike so my knees have random scars on them. Monday’s are the worst; I have bucket loads of unidentified bruises from drunken shenanigans on the weekend.
6. I have a bit of a lazy eye. It’s my left one and when I drink which is often it droops. My mum once found it to be so concerning that she sent me to the doctor to make sure I wasn’t having a stoke. The doctor just informed me that I should get pissed less often. My dad also has the same thing, I blame him.
7. I am tall. We are taking 5”9 with 6” heels. I have an unhealthy shoe obsession which is bad for a tall girl. I pretty much look like Harold the Giraffe from the dental van.
8. I have a blonde afro. My mother has curly hair and my father has thick hair. Mix that together and you have a think curly afro. My hairdresser calls me my little pony because my hair is on heat, it just grows and grows. Thank god for heat irons because no shit I would look like crusty the clown.
9. My belly button is un naturally high. Most people if wearing a midriff can see their belly button. Not mine. It’s practically on my chest it’s so high. When I got it pierced at 13, the piercer was even shocked when he couldn’t find it. I think he wondered why I would draw attention to it.
10. My second toe is the same length as my big toe. I think this was something my grandma handed down to me. It’s weird looking but hey it makes painting your toes that little easier.
I was going to post some random shots of my body parts but then I was worried some smart IT person would group them together to create a shot of me. So stuff you all. You can just gain an image in your hair of an overbearing, over analysing, blonde afro, buck teethed, freckled female with a lazy eye.
Woza, that makes me sound hot!